Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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