i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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