the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
