I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
