In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Randomize
