woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
