My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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