i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
