I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
