Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
