over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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