It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
