I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
