whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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