just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
