My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
