This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
