Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
