The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
