i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize