need another drink. this is the easiest way
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Sorry about my life...
I pour the whiskey from now on
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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