I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I will pee on everything he values.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
