I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Randomize
