I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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