im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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