I love black thongs
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
