Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
