I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
