meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Randomize
