Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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