Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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