It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
