just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
