Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
