So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
