the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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