You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
