I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
