I wish I could teleport
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Randomize