Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
