I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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