I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize