dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
