3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
