No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Where are you guys?
Drunk
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
