Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
