I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
