What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize