I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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