Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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