Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
