well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
He's on the porch naked. Help.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
