Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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