Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
