You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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