If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Barsexuality is the new black.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
it's like iHOP with fire
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
