Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize