I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
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