He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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