Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize
