I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
