In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
