and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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