I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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