Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My ass is underappreciated
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
