Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
