A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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