i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
