theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
